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    Not Unhappy, Just Fascinated
    [Originally posted on 30 Sept. 2008, when the blogwas over at weblog.nl]
     
    I've realised, after taking a look at my own blog, that it might seem as though I only write about 'negative' topics, things that go wrong or that I have trouble with.

    This is not actually the case. Some of these things might bother me somewhat some of the time, but mostly they don't. I'm used to them. I write about them not because they bother me, but because I'm just very interested in and fascinated by them. Not just my own issues either, but others' too. I restrict myself to writing about myself, though, would feel rude to write about other people and it would be inaccurate anyway, since I can only observe from the outside.

    Diseases and disorders (or however you like to coin these things, I have to call them something so for now this is it) have always been one of my big 'perseverations.' (Neither that term nor any other sounds good to me, but ye gods, the Dutch word 'fiep' is the single worst of them, never have I heard a more derogatory and dismissive and looking-down-on term).

    I used to read medical magazines (that they publish those official article thingies in written by doctors and scientists) from a young age, and any other books on the subject. If they had pictures, all the better, since I couldn't always understand medical lingo.

    Long before I recognised myself in the descriptions and lists of symptoms, I had been reading about autism (some of those books were pretty bad, too, but I didn't realise that then). Finding out I was autistic myself was actually quite... exciting to me. For a lot of people this may seem strange, but I was quite glad. So, apart from being autistic, autism is now one of my big interests, grown out of the still standing interest mentioned above, to be a special interest all on its own. And that is mostly why I write about it and stuff I think might be related.

    A lot of stuff might seem horrible or negative to outsiders, but to me it's mostly neutral, sometimes not so nice, sometimes very nice, and almost always fascinating. Outsiders will not always be able to tell which of the three/four I'm feeling about a particular subject. For instance, not having a feeling of 'this is me' when you look in a mirror and your reflection seeming like a stranger to yourself might seem pretty bad, but to me this is a neutral-to-positive-madly-fascinating thing. So, far from a bad thing.

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